"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's
how dogs spend their lives."
"Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
A Letter to Dad
Letter home from school...
Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
A week later..... a letter from "home"
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Rita Rudner's Facts About Men
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced
pain and bought jewelry.
8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a
combination address book, telescope and piano.
20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me
for a list of names.
21. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types:
depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in
winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters
24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man
walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of
here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter
and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we
going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get
out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you
want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you...I want to marry
you...I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you
look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: Ruth, you look great." Ruth:
"I do? Must be the lighting."
41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because
their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button
and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need
men to help us get dressed.
44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros.
Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female
menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to
date young girls and drive motorcycles.
47. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
48. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten
49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
50. All men would still really like to own a train set.